an important lesson in discovering what matters
I don't know about you, but I’m sick of hearing about, thinking about, and talking about coronavirus. It's like no matter what conversation we're in; we could find a way to work it in.
And sure, I'm all for talking about the elephant in the room, addressing it, adapting, and changing our businesses and our lives as we need to at this time.
Over the next few stories I'll share with you here on this blog, it's less about “coronavirus” and more about the lessons.
Here's my first lesson.
Just two days after the kids’ school closed, with little information other than school is closed until further notice.
I was going about my business, social distancing (which is easy for me as an introvert).
Our first Saturday of isolating was a regular day. I usually don’t work on the weekends, but I went about my business puttering around the house. Then, as the sun went down, it got quiet inside, and I fell down the rabbit hole.
The rabbit hole that's Facebook.
Living in a new neighborhood, new neighbors, new schools. One part wondering what's going on in my new community, not really even feeling like part of it yet, having only lived here a few weeks.
I don't know how much time went by, but my best guess is that I probably spent a solid four hours.
I still don't read the news and I didn’t visit a single news site.
I went down neighborhood rabbit holes — community posts, conversations, comments.
Photos of empty toilet paper shelves, empty freezers.
That’s when the pain in my chest started vying for my attention. The last thing I Googled before going to bed that first Saturday was, “is 39 too young to a young heart attack?” “chest tightness and coronavirus” and “coronavirus symptoms.”
This isn’t a good way to end my day — or anytime really.
The next few days, I’d be going about my business and noticing that tightness that heaviness at the top of my chest.
It was my body reacting to stress. I didn’t necessarily feel more stressed than anyone else, but by listening to others, seeing the photos, posts, comments, and panic-ridden headlines, my body was like, screw you, you can’t do this.
Stress wanted me to put my headphones on, plunge into my work, focusing on serving everybody else, finding out what everyone else needed, and putting everyone’s needs above my own, putting myself last — diving into the things that I feel like I can control.
I chalked it all up to stress and continued to go through my day, making sure the kids had what they needed and giving myself plenty of time outs to breathe, relax, and unplug.
Last week it hit home even further. During dinner, I started to feel kind of sick. I finished eating and went to lay down on the couch. While lying there, I noticed that my pulse was racing. I only drink one coffee a day, in the morning, so I wasn't over-caffeinated, and it was evening.
I felt my heart pounding through my chest.
I tried figuring out my pulse rate so that I could Google a normal resting heart rate for myself.
Awkwardly working a timer and checking my pulse unsuccessfully, I asked Ry to check it for me. He pulled up a timer on his phone, put two fingers on my wrist, and got quiet so he could focus and count.
The kids immediately stopped in their tracks and looked at me — faces blank and concerned.
Mom…
What's wrong?
Mom, what are you doing?
Mom, what's wrong?
Dad, why are you doing that?
Dad, what’s wrong with Mom?
I felt their panic further mine, which didn’t help me at all. And then I had a decision to make.
I had to choose between wearing my strong face for them and pretending like I have it all together, or I could tell them what was going on — calmly, frankly.
So I told them.
“My heart feels like its beating fast, so Daddy's checking in. That's all.”
They still wore a slightly blank face, and when I reassured them that I was fine, I had a dream that night.
I don't recall the exact details, but all I remember was the knowing feeling when I woke up. The knowing I had was this…
I'm dying. What am I gonna do?
I felt heavy.
Personal update: I’m fine now and have done some work and have been chest-pain free since late last week.
That was the last day of me placing everyone else’s needs before my own.
Also, hearing one of my mentors say this week that it’s a terrible time to be a people-pleaser, it was time for me to do me.
If there was ever a time to put myself first, this is it.
Because if I’m not grounded, clear, rested, and healthy, that’s not going to support anyone else.
This time is a wake-up call about all the things that are unsustainable. Letting my needs and wants slide to the bottom of the list will only work for so long.
What I don’t want the kids to remember about this time is mommy sprawling on the couch, unable to look after myself.
Here’s the thing about this new normal.
During our adventures in social distancing, the kids aren't gonna remember:
the school assignments
what they ate for dinner
what bullshit they watched on YouTube
Leveling up in their video game
What they will remember...
How we handled it
How to handle crisis
How to communicate their needs by hearing me share mine
How it feels to adapt to an unwanted change with the flip of a script
How we practiced resiliency
During this time, we’ll discover all the things that matter most to us.
Facebooking for four hours — doesn’t matter.
Following a schedule to the minute — doesn’t matter.
Freaking out — doesn’t matter.
Getting mad at all the people who aren’t doing their part — doesn’t matter.
Planning Bananagrams after dinner — matters. Putting the most nourishing food we possibly can on the table — matters.
Staying calm — matters.
Modeling resiliency — matters.
Right now, we’re learning about what matters — even if we’re slow to recognize it. Look around.
What matters to you most right now? What matters tomorrow?
Today was uncertain anyway. Tomorrow is uncertain too — always has been. The only difference is that now, we’re thinking (or obsessing about it). Let’s find what matters and focus our energy and attention on that.
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