11 Surprising Lessons I’ve Learned From Writing a Memoir
My first book, Unfussy Life: An Intuitive Approach to Navigating Change, didn’t start as a memoir. It began as a self-development book. It was filled with advice, how-to, and practical life instruction to live with less fuss, less stress, and less overwhelm.
Through a series of synchronistic events, the book decided it wanted to be a memoir instead.
This is all fine and good.
I had originally wanted to release it in September 2020, in time for my 40th birthday. But 2020 had other plans, and I surrendered without much pushing or forcing. I’d given up on that a long time ago.
In honor of the would-be one-year book anniversary, I’m sharing some thoughts. Things I wish I’d known before wading into memoir waters.
I’m also exploring these because I’m getting ready to write another book — yep, I’ll do it again in November for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), and this time I’ll do it with The Intuitive Writing School Community. You see when I created the writing community, I did it because I was a writer who wasn’t writing. I needed the space to do the work that I deemed important, too.
Now, here are the lessons, which I’ll keep nearby as I begin the next book adventure.
1) You’ll talk about your memoir (and yourself) more than you think.
As a self-published author, I knew marketing would be 100% my role. There were definitely times — especially in the first few weeks of launching when I was tired of talking about the book. It’s funny because I tell business owners this all the time — just when you’re starting to get sick of hearing yourself talk about something is when people are just starting to listen. Keep talking about it! If you’re a female with a cycle, I highly suggest launching during your follicular phase or ovulation so you’ll have the energy to keep going, and visibility will feel easier. Read more about planning your writing with nature’s rhythms here.
2) People will constantly ask you, “So, how’s the book?”
I still have no idea what this question actually means. Do they mean, how’s the book feeling? How am I feeling? How are sales going? Have I been featured as a New York Times bestseller? I have no clue and every time someone asks me this, I stumble…. What do you mean? I’m letting this one go. People who don’t write books will ask weird things. I think what they’re asking is, “Are you actually making any money from that thing you put your heart, soul, and a billion hours of work into?” Don’t let their limiting beliefs weigh you down.
3) Every phase will take longer than you think.
Old me thought I’d write my book in 30 days, edit it in another 30, and ship it a month or so later. How cute. It took three and a half years. Writing and revising took longer; hard copy edits took longer; the cover design took longer; launching emails, prep, and all those things took longer than I expected. This is often true for so many things, so I’m not mad about it — I know to be patient with the process and be willing to let my made-up timelines slip.
4) You’ll feel incredibly vulnerable.
Oh my God, I’m putting all these stories out there for everyone to read. When hockey parents friend me on Facebook, they’re going to know I wrote a book. The kids’ teachers will know. My neighbors will know. Everyone is going to know. Wait — isn’t this a good thing? Of course, it is. Since writing a book means talking about myself, my work, and my words — it feels vulnerable. Add in some personal stories that are in the book — especially some that I’m not particularly proud of and it feels like I’m standing awkwardly in the spotlight, on stage, and I forgot my pants at home (a recurring dream, but that’s a story for another day.)
5) You have to let go of ego.
But I want to look good. I want my book to elevate my status and make me proud — ego, ego, ego. I let all this go (still working on ego death — again, another story). I couldn’t NOT write this book. It had to get out of me. Which I realized is my only job — get the story out and let the experts do what they do best — edit, design, and format.
6) Ask for help.
And ask early and often — every step of the writing and publishing journey. And by help, I don’t mean prematurely asking for feedback — I made that mistake, too, and got too much early feedback that I wasn’t ready for. Get uncomfortable and ask for help promoting it, sharing it, asking for reviews, asking for them to pass it along. A great way to get over yourself and start asking for more than you’re comfortable with is writing a book and asking people to help you.
7) Discerning what to remove is challenging.
Some stories didn’t make the final cut. And some of them were in the draft right up until the end. Here’s how I decided: When I was evaluating if a story should stay in the book, I ran it through these filters: Is telling this story good for me? Does this detail make the story stronger? Is it my story to tell?
8) You have to let go of perfectionism.
I’m sure there are typos in the book. But I wouldn’t know because I don’t care, and don’t make me read the thing one more time. I caught typos during the final review of the hardcover — a handful of people had combed through it by that time — including a professional editor and a professional proofreader. Gremlins did it, and it would be fussy of me to give a shit, so I’m not.
9) Plan your book launch day self-care in advance.
I had moved my launch date many times — and the actual launch was a month after our family moved from New Jersey to Florida. I didn’t plan any care or relaxation on launch day. I had too many meetings on the calendar and no downtime blocked. Next time, I’ll book a massage or lunch, or something to unwind.
10) Make quick decisions or the book will sit unpublished for ages.
This could go back to the point of being a perfectionist. If you ever want to see your book out in the world, you have to make quick decisions and then move on. I had zero opinion when it came to the things I didn’t know I’d have to decide — fonts, positing, chapter look and feel. I asked my book editor what her recommendation was and went with that. I decided to let others decide.
11) Writing memoir is healing.
I didn’t see this one coming. And perhaps this is my biggest lesson from writing a memoir. When I started mining for memories, I thought I had very few. Once you start digging, be prepared for some to come back to you. This, paired with some work I was doing with my breakthrough coach, brought back unconscious memories as a toddler. Old, stuck emotions and events that needed healing. This part was challenging. I couldn’t have prepared for what came up, and I’m still healing the wounds. I never expected writing to be such a healing event, and I’m grateful this stuff bubbled to the surface.
Whether you’re thinking about writing your first book, first memoir, or even a blog post that feels a little raw — I share these lessons to support you.
Writing most anything is an act of bravery, surrender, and vulnerability.
Trust that the world needs your story.
Writing is healing, and we heal through writing.
Read more on book writing:
“I’m Writing a Book” – What To Do Before Declaring Your Intention
7 ways to do NaNoWriMo - while staying sane and growing your business
6 reasons to participate in NaNoWriMo (even if you're not writing a book)
