An Open Letter to Moms of All Kinds
Dear babe without kids, soon-to-be mom, new mom and mom with oodles of practice,
When I was getting ready to bring my first shiny babe into the world, I wish Iâd been told about the game moms play. Unfortunately, the game isn't a fun one. Iâm writing you about it today for a few reasons; to shed a big white spotlight on it, and to bring you some comfort. A big fat hug letting you know youâre not the only one whoâs felt sick after being shamed or judged when all you were doing for your kid was right.
The game: âmother-warsâ as Dr. BrenĂ© Brown calls it. Iâve been listening to BrenĂ© a lot lately - devouring her books, TED talks and everything else I can get my eyes and ears on.
She said something along the lines of this - and Iâm paraphrasing, but it went something like:
âYou canât say you love kids if youâre judging other mothersâ
No shit. When I heard this, I stopped dead in my tracks. I think I was standing on a street corner, paralyzed with my mouth gaped open. I do this. I judge moms.
According to Brené (Ph. D., scholar, and research professor) and her exploration on shame, she goes on to say:
âWe judge people in areas where weâre vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than weâre doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other peopleâs choicesâŠ.â- Daring Greatly, BrenĂ© Brown
BrenĂ© mentions that âshame seems to be the weapon of choice in the so-called mommy wars.â People said things to me that made me want to throw up in my mouth: stay-at-home-moms would say âI could never let someone else raise my kids,â and âwhyâd you have kids if youâre going to ship them off to daycareâ. Iâve done the same judging on the other end, declaring âIâd go nuts if I had to spend all day at home with the kids.â These projections are dangerous and have the ability to invoke pain and rage in any mother. Kinda like the rage that grew in me when someone asked me if I didnât love my kids because I was going back to work or the rage I probably sparked in the mom I told that Iâd go crazy at home.
The âmother-warsâ game is a dangerous one; more dangerous than you might think.
Nothing will prepare you for the life-changing moment you pop out a mini-you, and the mommy wars is certainly something my other mother friends didnât talk about. I hope this letter is more helpful than âWhat to Expect when youâre Expectingâ.
Youâre not alone
Itâll seem like someone is always pointing out what youâre doing is wrong, plain out sucks, and youâre not doing it good enough, making you feel like youâre not enough.
Formula fed from birth?
Breastfed âtil the kid is 5?
Doesnât matter, someone thinks their way is right, and theyâll only be too happy to tell you they did it better and looked hot while doing it. Making you feel small, and wretched inside.
Stay at home mom (SAHM) vs. working mom?
Let me tell ya, Iâve done both, and theyâre both hard. Whatever you choose, pick what feels good in your heart.
Youâve probably been asked:
When are you having kids?
You only have the âone kidâ?
When are you having another one?
These questions can burn. Especially if youâre trying to get pregnant, and canât or if youâve lost a pregnancy â Iâve been there, itâs ugly.
People are going to tell you things thatâll make you want to cry:
On being married without kids: why arenât you having kids? Youâll regret it someday, thatâs mighty selfish of you. Having kids; big decision. Not having kids; big decision.
On pregnancy: youâre still running? Youâre not exercising? Should you really be having caffeine? Youâre drinking? Do you know what fetal alcohol syndrome can do? Know that what feels right to you will be different for someone else, do what feels right to you and know that other moms are in the same boat.
On giving birth: au natural vs. drugs, homebirth, hospital birth, c-section, water-birth, when to cut the cord, save cord blood? Do some research and do what feels right, and listen to some med pros along the way.
On formula vs. breastfeeding: to some moms youâll never breastfeed your kids as long as they did, to some youâll be a fricken hero because you were able to do it for a week. Do what makes YOU happy and know other moms are doing the same. Happy mom = happy baby.
On maternity leave: back to work in 2 weeks? 6 months? 2 years? Some will say itâs way too soon, others will say itâs way too long.
I know Iâm barely scratching the surface here; I could go on â cloth diapers or disposable? Cry it out vs. suck it up, sign language, learning mandarin, Montessori, sports, music, danceâŠ. the second youâve got another life growing inside of you, you become a big fat target to examination, judgment and shame.
So how can you support other moms? Hint; itâs not by playing the mom-shame-game.
Listen when they tell you their struggles and donât judge
Offer up a super-size helping of compassion + empathy
Keep opinions quiet unless asked (unless itâs a 911 kinda situation)
Give the nervous mom on the flight an empathetic âIâve been there smileâ and help with her bags
Ask how another mom is feeling â and listen
Talk honestly about what youâre feeling. Itâs a courageous move, and chances are youâll find out youâre not alone
Know that everyoneâs doing the best job they know how to do
You probably feel there are bigger expectations on you than ever. Thereâs a shit-ton of pressure to have it all and do it all. Earn a living, cook dinner, rock the PTA, keep a clean home, be the household event planner and project manager, breastfeed forever, exercise, have a social life and oh, make sure youâre smiling and look goodâŠ.damn good while doing it, MILF good.
On my road to mommy-hood I was judged for:
gaining 50 lbs.
eating gummy worms
not eating gummy worms
not eating meat
having a c-section
having a second c-section
putting the kid in a crib, in another room, without a monitor
pumping breast milk instead of actually putting the kid ON my boob
supplementing with formula
nursing for 8 months
going back to work in 4 months and 6 months
going back to work (someone said âdonât you love your kids?â)
not going to mommy and me sing-a-longs
This brings me to a sometimes dark side of being a new mom that you might encounter; post-partum depression (PPD). PPD is like a 4-letter word. Being a new mom is HARD, and it can suck, suck bad. Some moms will tell you they loved every minute of it. Youâd go to the ends of the earth for your babe, but if you donât feel that âbondâ right away that everyone talks about â youâre not alone. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you human.
When I was going through this, I wondered if there was something wrong with me. I couldnât talk to anyone about it â if I told the doctor, heâd put me on drugs. I hate drugs. Was it PPD? Or was it just that I was adjusting to the biggest mother-of-all-life-changes that left me feeling emotional, short-fused, and irrational?
So far, the friends I felt I could confide in the most are the ones are the kid-free ones. I realized itâs because they didnât judge my mommy-skills. Youâll find coping strategies, new friends, and learn how to become more resilient to the judging and know in your heart that the shaming doesnât make you less of a person.
When Iâd go to the park and talk to other moms theyâd ask if I was staying home with J, and when I said I was going back to work, conversation came to a screeching halt. I felt small.
The stay-at-home moms didnât want me, maybe Iâd fit in with the working moms. One overly stressed-out exec, said to me, âdonât worry about working too much when theyâre young, they wonât remember it anywaysâ That wasnât the point, what if I didnât WANT to work too much?
Itâll be messy and emotional, and not easy, and fun and exciting. Sometimes youâll want to say F this and hide under the covers. Like the first day I was home with both kids I called Ry in tears and said âI quit, I canât do thisâ. Other days youâll feel youâre all over this mommy biz-nass and be on top of the world.
Youâve probably worried about being a good mom, and Iâm right there with you. The stuff women say to you that makes you want to throw up in your mouth doesnât make you a bad mother. The best piece of (unsolicited) advice was:
âDonât try to be the best mother in the world, to your kids; know that youâre the ONLY mother in the world to your kidsâ.
My unsolicited advice to you is donât go to combat in the mommy wars, because the game never ends, and thereâs no winner. Thereâs no special prize at the end of the game for breastfeeding the longest or hardest or having the tightest butt. Be the adult you want your children to be and the rest will fall in place.
PS - This letter is by no means saying I don't judge people; I'm still human after all. I think identifying the fact that I was judging and being judged is the first step in building my own awareness. In recognizing the judgments that other people made that me want to cry I can take a step back to digest and figure out how to react. I have A LOT of work to do, and having an inkling of awareness can hopefully make at least one mother's journey just a little easier.